Ng Zangpo
Wednesday, December 20, 2000
So, My dream:

: "I want you to come with me to this meeting."

We are walking on campus from the old building. We are in front of the Union, and there is something going on today. The sound of crowds. I am alone by the ATMs. She must have walked away. Her back facing me she must have walked away, in a grey suit on the way to the meeting. I am nervous, because I should be going to this meeting as part of doing my job. But I am now in the nearby parking lot standing in a small group talking, like we are at lunch in high school. Josh, an old friend from school days is to my right.

I am standing with a shiny colt handgun. I am holding it to instill a sense of potential destruction that will be unleashed in the case that someone is causing a considerable cosmic problem. The sounds of firecrackers, no, of bullets scare the crowd. Charles, in front of me, is setting off bullets in his hands, and they fly off randomly. It is like he is snapping them with his fingers.

"You know that isn't so good you're gonna hurt somebody", I tell him. Josh mentions to me that the bullets are only set off by an internal reaction-- some combination of electrical and mechanical, some kind of special trick. Josh's comment renders the danger to minutiae--"only". I begin to explain, to his amused denial, that dandies of Victorian England used to gesture with their top-hats in a slow waving motion when they spoke to each other to elaborate communication and make it more effective.

A very tall black top-hat with a shiny black silk ribbon above the brim.

I am now north of there, in a European garden. It is large and open, with paved paths among manicured lawns. The paths are stately, perhaps this adjoins a palace. There is a court here.

Now it is a documentary with a scene on a large Parisian house. Specifically, now, shot of a slightly Byz-esque dome. I know it is the dome at the intersection of Raspail and Montparnasse in Paris, and that I used to like looking at it from my window, so much so that I took a photograph of it. There is a rich family inside, and they own it, not only that but I think they may have built it. To another rich family in Germany, or Austria. This must be a documentary on rich families, and it is not a nice light shed upon them. This family lives in a castle on a mountainside. It is picturesque and a little misty with a slight gloom. The father is a small paunchy man with red lips, pasty skin, bald on top but otherwise covered with black hair, in a black suit and tie. They are at dinner.

Now around a fire indoors with a Lama. There is a woman to my left, and a monk to my right. To his right is the Lama. The monk is tending to a kettle over the flame, and his sleeve catches fire. We are startled, and now I am the monk. This is it! Monk turns to the Lama.

Close-up of the Lama's face. [holds]

I wake up, the baby is next to me in bed. It's 5:00. She is waking up, tossing, and needs a change of diaper. I couldn't go to sleep after that, I was very clear. Changed diaper, got up and took a shower, made rolls for breakfast. Nice morning.

Monday, December 18, 2000
My birthday was yesterday. My driver's license is expired. Strange dream last night. I'll save that.

Friday, December 15, 2000
There are bright kids flunking out of the University. Their parents think they are crazy. The university isn't what it is supposed to be.

Keep cranking out the patents!

Meanwhile the kids are going through hell.

Here come the sobriety checkpoints in Louisiana. Fucking fascists. Mothers Against Drunk Driving is to blame.

Thursday, December 14, 2000
Well, I just had a beer at lunch, and I am tired. Hoegaarden is a wonderful choice of beer. They have it on draft down the street. I think it is from Germany, and it comes with a lemon. It has a delightful taste that isn't sweet or fruity, but it has a lightness to it. Really superb.

Last night I had a sip of the Abita brewery's christmas ale. I felt strange, like all my tension was gathering at the top of my throat where my head meets my neck. I thought maybe I was goin to throw up, and Oh it hurts, and I don't feel so good in my stomach. Everything seemed not so real, but still infested with demons at the same time. I was taking in, coincidentally, that George W. will be the president when it started, and then I thought maybe I had done something to deserve it.

I just relaxed and let it happen. If I puke, I puke, and if I am about to die I die. And then I started feeling better.

Everytime I get some sort of stomach problem, I feel very close to death, or that it is what death feels like. Those wrenching pressure pains you get with a nasty stomach virus are a perfect example. Perhaps I have died from stomach affliction before.

I feel almost as if I know what death is like. Perhaps I should, being that it supposedly has happened to me an uncountable number of times. You've all been my parents, and I yours. Hi Mom.

Wednesday, December 13, 2000
Big system moving overhead. Thick low grey clouds moving Northeast. I understand it is very cold up there now.
More rain coming.

forget. and but to I am down. sooooo so about don't.
like excited and able, blog me not when some supervisor, than I him.

Could really know all, get purpose.
I really really applying because I some like days nice WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!
we're thinking dislike up new not. some be at pain.

Maybe One one, like the this pleasure.

Think about.... or more, and I like bad.
sure for of the I, another I I, always other I, this if exactly leave or less any time. I

Shouldn't it? the days jump
I needed the they.

Some like the job I get Ooohh. to I job. That's same....

I of like this My
Maybe don't

am I I upset would job, job.
be him, would like I

I like some things and I dislike others. That's the purpose of blog isn't it?

My supervisor, some days I like him, some days I don't. I always like him. Some days I forget.

I am thinking of applying for another job, but I am not sure I would be able to leave this one, because they were so nice to me and all when I needed the job sooooo bad. I dont' know if I like this or not. I think I would like the new job. Maybe more or less than I like this job. Maybe exactly the same.... Ooohh.

I get really excited about pleasure. I get really upset about pain. One could really be the other at any time. Shouldn't jump up and down. WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Monday, December 11, 2000

Baby Moon shining

playing for center, edge

up old show her the Back Lama enough,

take through I me to Orleans wake sleep.

wraps while drum for I on bed.

this clarity movie Nepal.

heading the clouds Astonishing Native A to chant. for Easy and lattice the center.

wonderful play American

Moon shining bright through lattice clouds, while behind me. A wonderful play the American drum they want me to sell for and I I baby to sleep. heading the spillway, the offering.

Back on the I-10 take the straight drive bed. Late enough, go was asleep.

I clouds edge she relaxes before this Native sleep. Wife home on time, to Orleans to the center. Over the center, wraps her up for

Astonishing clarity last night.

Moon shining bright through lattice clouds, while I take the straight drive to New Orleans to the center.

Over the spillway, the clouds edge behind me.

A wonderful offering.

Easy efficient administrative paperwork.

Back on the I-10 heading home on time,
to see the wife. Baby was asleep.

I show off this Native American drum they want me to sell for the center, and I wake up the baby playing the old warpath movie chant.

I play the guitar for baby while she relaxes before sleep. Wife wraps her up for bed.

Late enough, go to sleep.

Thursday, December 07, 2000
Yesterday I had a huge dose of selfishness. I guess it was somewhat deliberate, but my reaction to everything was kind of bad. The baby was screaming, I was cursing, she wouldn't sleep. The wife normally wakes up with the baby. Now I got a dose of it for three hours.

Before that I was depressed, or something. Want some stuff to start a something good. like to be sufficient on my own. Not gonna happen soon. Finances.

What to ask for for Christmas, but what I want is big stuff to start some something good. Don't really need so much, though. Start with something and run with it from scratch. It hasn't coalesced quite yet.

Conquering anger without seeing clearly, doesn't exist.