Ng Zangpo
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
I had a good dream during the empowerments:

Stacey was in it. She's a girl I had a big crush on soon before the wife and I started dating then got married.

I'm singing a song of primordial purity and she comes excitedly running to see me because she recognizes the song. It's apparently her birthday, and there is a party, by the pool, lots of friends. I'm standing around with them, celebrating. She comes back and she has a present for me in an envelope. Surprised that she could have had a present for me when seeing me unexpectedly, I tore it open-- laughing that "Oops I've ripped it".

Putting the pieces of paper together with anticipation, then I've got it together, but it's upside down. Looking for a flat panel to use as a spatula of sorts, I'll flip it over...

I woke up, and it was a nice dream. It's funny that I wanted to go back to sleep into the dream to see what the paper said. Also interesting is that I was feeling guilty that I should go home like I shouldn't be there, "have to go home to my wife", but it was like she was my wife. Not that we were married, but she was the same. She may have been a Dakini or Great Feminine.

Actually, Stacey snubbed my crush that summer since I was so fanatically intense about it; she was graceful about it though, always friendly to me. I felt accepted by her in the dream, which was nice. A dream, though, nonetheless.

Tuesday, October 16, 2001
Every woman I know gets headaches. I rarely get headaches. If I do, it means I am dehydrated or sick, or need to relax; so I can usually get rid of them. I don't have an explanation for why women might be more prone to headaches, but it is true that the ones I know all get headaches.

Driving back on Sunday was nice. Some car had a flat tire, and this 12 year old black kid goes to change the tire with this perfectcool attitude. Let me fix this shit. The trunk's opening up for him as he walks up, ready to go. It's all taken care of. The scape tending musical. Later, there's broken glass all over the shoulders in places, glinting pockets sun.

I'm studying Messiaen, who was a devout Catholic. He would use chords that included a wide spectrum of notes, and then would shift emphasis on particular notes within it to inflect different shades -- he thought of sounds as colors, which is very useful.

Wednesday, October 10, 2001
I've been imagining huddling with my family during night bombing runs. Awful, but I guess in history it isn't uncommon. There's that broken up sequence at the start of Gravity's Rainbow which gives the feel of it. Taliban public executions are available for viewing on the net, such a fucked regime, maybe not such a wrong campaign we're on. A field of destruction they seem to be with the al qaeda. Also imagining the whole nuclear scenario playing out before you can think about it. Time time.

Vajrakilaya empowerment now, missed the wang yesterday, the wife vomiting, but tonight I will see if a repeat can be done this weekend. I have a small phurba in some rice in my room from the last Vajrakilaya empowerment. Time to go in the rain to the center, I can't do that practice at my level.

Amazing clarity on Saturday night, but not from ritual, from material then it fell down to frustration that it wasn't there, that's what the material gets, but it was good. To D I revealed a favorite symbol, and I need a peacock feather to give to him. See about it.

Thursday, October 04, 2001
Baby is now also Khandro. Dakini, sky-dancer, etc.

Tuesday, October 02, 2001
The empowerments are wonderful. I think real power might be overlooked quite frequently. Since the last big empowerments I somehow lost my understanding of sublime beings and the literalness of Vajrayana. It's back. Direct seeing, direct listening. Last night was Hayagriva (ed. no it wasn't), who I would like a little more instruction about.

I found an alternate route around the construction traffic when there is some. It goes by Kaiser Aluminum, and Pinnacle(?) Polymers. The cancerous circuit. Only takes a few minutes longer, and there's some nice qualities about it, in that state highway kind of way.

Rinpoche says "New Orleans. Lots of ghosts."

Don't see much of wife and the Baby since I get home so late. I regret it, but it's only 18 days to go. They're coming with me tonight though. Baby's going to get a name.