Ng Zangpo
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
I should be through with wasteful ~ This morning, the alarm on and off with snooze, the cuts revealed that city hall should be for sale, Bush spoke to congress about the recent history of presidents: There was a democrat one and a republican one... ~ The activities I need to do for work are mundane, but I can fix that, they need to be done ~ Some tension here this period in my ~ The tree of refuge I went to, you are reliable! ~ Concerned with meeting commitments of everyday life, and living well, and good decisions is the norm, I wonder about the frequency of contemplation ~ Do I know that all beings are the nature of manifest joy? ~ Does it change the fact that this is true?

Monday, February 26, 2001
I had a dream about Ex President Clinton last night

Went to Bacchus, and brought little seven month old too. Her first mardi gras. She had a good time, and she was tired.

How to make net commodity: release encryption of the subtle, into singular experience, or possessive experience. And then it divided everything, and then it worthed, and small thoughts it would have prevailed.

Friday, February 23, 2001
There are changes at my College, and no one upstairs lets me know. It just happens. So I can tell parents something, and then it will be different later. I'm the ass

I am reading a book of collected writings of Toru Takemitsu translated into english. His conceptions of sound are interesting to me. He has a habit of being too forthright, but the selection I am on is from his youth. I am also reading Dakini Teachings, the oral instructions of Guru Padmasambhava to Yeshe Tsogyal. He warns her, that if she doesn't recognize the secret bodhicitta that she will be "intrinsically fettered". Also, Kafka's The Trial, and I still haven't finished A Farewell to Arms. Trying to read so much while working full time is difficult.

Tonight I will wear a hood with a black cloth front so that I can see out, but noone can see in. The invisible man. It will be funny because I don't have a black cape, or anything to wear inside of one, so I will rent a graduation gown. I will be the "Faceless Graduate". Even though that isn't the effect I wanted.

Baby has 102 fever.

Lama is coming on March 16.

Big party weekend.

Thursday, February 22, 2001
Me, I got a lot to do. I notice that I do indeed have a cajun influence in my speech. Growing up, we used to imitate the other kids that talked flat, and had vistigial french construction. Now it emerges.

Spring is about to womp my ass. I have a lot of stuff that I would rather not do. I hate sending memoes. I would much prefer to email, but you just can't trust that people get it. I wish. I know everyone on this campus has a computer, but I also know that they do not check email. There's a lot worse in the world than writing a memo, I guess.

Medeski Martin and Wood are going to play the Saenger again for Jazzfest. Yes. Sunday night, and somebody is going to watch the baby.

Happy Mardi Gras weekend everybody. Still tickets to the Apocalypse Ball if you are in N. O. tomorrow night.

Tuesday, February 20, 2001
Tonight we go to get costumes for the "Apocalypse Ball" mardi gras party this friday. I wonder what I'll be...

Monday, February 19, 2001
Not much happening. I'm not celebration own.

Makin' take playin. It don't take right.

Don't this take much.

Celebration happening. Pure it, not own.

I'm of Supreme much celebration right
I got Don't playing the Can't music... work!

I'm making now. own here? being of the truth body.
Ain't no gonna take.

Saturday, February 17, 2001
The baby has two teeth. One is out, but the one next to it is right under the surface, so you can see it. She's standing in the crib hanging onto the side, which she just learned how to do. She is so proud of herself. And if you take her out before she can get up, she gets pissed, and throws a hissy fit.

She just slid down, I think it was her only choice to get down. Funny.

Waking up this morning was slow, because it is Saturday, and kicking us all early morning. My guitar music came in the mail so I was excited to play it for a while. Next my beer kit will arrive...

Life now is repetitive, which isn't bad, except I should add some more practice into the schedule. Today is Dakini Day, so tonight to the center. Feminine energy is a its fullest.

Friday, February 16, 2001
There are a lot of women out there calling themselves dakinis, like some kind of social circle within Buddhist sanghas. It isn't good. Manifestation of pride, and no defense of it being Vajra-Pride my dear. "We dakinis..."

True Dakinis manifest!

"American Buddhism" There's enough debate about that already. I'll leave it at that.

If you see something horrible, not to get attached to it. If you see something beautiful not to get attached to it.

Just added a link to a vast storehouse of very interesting and beautiful Dzogchen and Mantrayana imagery. It is the Rinchen Terzod link on the left.

Last night I had a dream about Burroughs again. First, I should mention that I understand the premise behind dream yoga in relation to lucid dreaming. I am not at a level to practice the dream yoga, however, I am interested in it, and make a shallow attempt to attain lucidity in dreams. Seeing William Burroughs in a dream should be an immediate tip off that it is indeed a dream because he is dead and I know that, right? Well, not for me...

So Bill is very old and moving slow. I explain to my family that this is William Burroughs, and he was a writer and was at one time addicted to heroin, or actually for most of his life, and that his ideas were very influential to me. So, I'm paying him a lot of respect, and I fix him a drink. We're going somewhere and I have to hold him up by the elbow and around his back. He asked me some questions about what doing, with strong sensitivity. We were in a hallway, of some sort of convention or lecture center, a meeting place.

Again, I have the sleepy feeling, although today it isn't as fuzzy, it is more harsh in the head, but that is because baby had a rough time last night. Still the fuzziness is there.

Thursday, February 15, 2001
Redesign a little for the eyes. Tweaking, this template is limiting. Do a scratch job soon. Maybe with graphics... oooh

Feel almost like I am still sleeping. Not like grogginess, where you wish you were still asleep. It is like the nice sleep you get in the morning when you go back to sleep a few times on a Saturday. Feels fuzzy and even. It must be the wine I drank which was excellent last night.

To remember I am dreaming, I feel relax, and small pulsations.

"Mainstream" is such diversion. Thoughts of politics can ruin. And shoes...

Monday, February 12, 2001
Last night I had a dream that I was in an office with the Dalai Lama and Rinpoche. His Holiness spoke for a bit, and I prostrated to both of them, wondering which I should begin with, dismissing the thought, and sobbing joyously.

Today I am beginning a retreat. I will still work and all, but I am going to continuously say mantras. I am trying to get my frame of mind to the preliminaries again.

Had dinner with people over this weekend. It is funny being the only person I know that is my age married with children. We're all just sitting around the apartment getting drunk watching the baby do funny things. Everyone else just waiting to go out and party.

Thursday, February 08, 2001
There's a guy who plays the piano downstairs really loud and repetitive with new age chord changes, and he sings oh's, more like bellowing. I appreciate his risk.

I went to the symphony which was good except of course, for Brahms. Frilly insubstantial nonsense. Flimsy passion.

Tuesday, February 06, 2001
Today I feel nauseous and dizzy, nauseous in my head, hard to explain. Not so bad though.

Long stretches sometimes I'll be trying to fix everything or even before that I'll be upset that not going the way I want it to. Ridiculous. Many times when I am alone I feel stable and strong, and many times when I am not alone, it starts to seep out, the chatter draws it out of me like some vile syrup. This and that. This and that.

"In the absolute view, even trying to purify everything is not positive."

Monday, February 05, 2001
Meetings meetings I love meetings. Everything is better when you are burning. The smoke furls out making everything smooth and evident. Smiles and smiles.

I wish I knew the name of these trees outside my window. They are blooming a red-pink, look like carnations. I should know the names of these trees. This barkless one is all over the place, hasn't has leaves since the summer. Like long naps.

I normally hate interacting with co-workers because I am the bottom "clerk." I forget there is a certain ease about this though. I'd prefer not to have too much demanding responsibility, but of course, the money....

I have this rubber plant in my office, and it is kind of thriving. I give it cold water when it is cold outside, so that it knows a little. It is still ass-cold in here. Man, my gateway went down today, and they fixed that shit in an hour. Air conditioner is gone arctic, and it has been what? four days? Telecommunications's got Facility's by a mile.

Thursday, February 01, 2001
The sensor inside the air-conditioner of my office reads 98 degrees, facility services tells me. That is why it has been blowing cold air non-stop, disregarding the little red and blue wheel...

At CNN chat again today, criticizing the news for not explaining why gas prices are so high. They'll say "the high price of gas is causing consumers to feel the crunch." They don't say, gas companies have total control of the price of natural gas these days. will of the market... it is magic isn't it?

Ralph Nader's campaign story

Girl upstairs was stomping around while I was watching the jazz documentary, sounded like it was in time with the music, it's like she's playing a drum walking across the skin, and I live inside it. Turns out they were watching jazz and she was dancing while she walked. I could hear the credits upstairs when I turned it off.

I long for a group activity where everyone knows what's going on and all working together. It is like that during ritual practice. I don't go as much as I used to. I need to get that started here.